Jonathan Pinnock would like to complain

It's autumn, the season of mists, mellow fruitfulness and disputes with energy companies over the size of the bills they send us. As here – at Ink Sweat Towers – we are currently engaged in a frank exchange of views with the muppets who supply our electricity supply and have spent many hours listening to muzak on their voicemail systems, we had to publish this piece…


I Wish to Register a Complaint


Press 1 for Sales
Press 2 for Technical Support
Press 3 for Customer Services
Press 4 for Accounts Payable
Press 0 to hear this menu again

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that
Press 1 for Sales
Press 2 for Technical Support
Press 3 for Cust-

Press 1 for Billing Assistance
Press 2 for Service Alterations
Press 3 for Payment Difficulties
Press 4 for Complaints-

Press 1 for Meek and Feeble
Press 2 for Quietly Assertive
Press 3 for Passive Aggressive
Press 4 for Abusive-

Press 1 for You're a Bunch of Fucking Wankers
Press 2 for You Couldn't Find Your Arses with Both Hands
Press 3 for Why Don't You Shove Your Fucking Awful Product Up Your Arse
Press 4 for I'm Going to come Round There and Fucking Kill You
Press 0 to hear this menu again

Press 1 for You're a Bunch of Fuck-

Thank you
Your concern has been noted
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* Jonathan Pinnock is married with two children and a 1961 Ami Continental jukebox. His fiction has won several prizes, shortlistings and longlistings, and he has been published in such diverse publications as Smokebox, Every Day Fiction and Necrotic Tissue. His imaginatively-titled
website can be found at www.jonathanpinnock.com

3 comments

  1. Super Piece!
    I laughed muchly

  2. Thanks!

  3. Brilliant!!!

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