Jonathan Pinnock




Paradise Found Wanting


Heaven turned out to be

a bit shit. The Elysian fields

were littered with burnt-out



the Valkyrie looked like hookers,

the angels more like pimps

and, worst of all,

my harp was out of tune.


I beckoned to St Peter,

who was lounging

by the gates. Stubbing out

his roll-up, he sauntered over


and offered me a pair

of rusty pliers. “Y’know,”

I said, “this place is

less like Heaven, more like – ”


As I faltered, Peter smiled

and shook his head. Turns out

even the punchlines

are rubbish here.





Jonathan Pinnock is the author of the novel Mrs Darcy versus the Aliens, the short story collection Dot Dash and the forthcoming memoir Take It Cool. He blogs at and tweets as @jonpinnock.

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